Over the past several days, a theme has come up again and again: the idea of being enough. Mothers (and fathers, too) are forced to deal with the idea of having it all, being the best possible mom and still leading a fulfilling personal life either through a career or personal achievements. Many feel the pressure to always be on the top of their game, delivering Pinterest-worthy birthday parties and holiday celebrations, while maintaining immaculate, well-organized homes, preparing magazine-ready meals, and attending to every individual moment of their children's lives. At the same time, they shouldn't give up on their own dreams, so they should excel at their jobs (but only while their kids are in school), and find personal fulfillment away from their families.
Sounds intimidating.
Then I came across a few articles. The first is a satirical blog post from a 1970s mother. This woman does her own thing throughout the day and lets her kids fend for themselves for the most part. She feeds them and makes sure they aren't killing each other or themselves, but for the most part, she lets them do their own thing while she does hers. While we can laugh at the obviously harmful things she inflicts on her kids (secondhand smoke, an 11-year-old babysitter, Tang), the point remains that just a few generations ago, parenting was perhaps not quite so demanding as it is today. No one expected the mother to attend to every need and provide educational entertainment every minute of every day. Kids weren't scheduled to within an inch of their lives so that they could be competitive in the future, and parents didn't have to schedule their every waking moment around improving their children's lives.
The second article was about the fact that in the end, just being a mom is enough. At the end of the day, parenting is not about how much money you spent entertaining your children. It's not about huge outings to Disneyworld or extravagant holiday celebrations or any of the big gestures. It's about being there in the in-between moments. It's dinners together with the family, or card games in the evenings, or baking cookies together or car trips to visit family.
I know, growing up, it was the little moments that really stood out for me. I remember my mom painting my sister's and my toe nails while watching The Cosby Show before bed. Or my dad washing our hair and pretending he used to be a stylist for Madonna. Or walks to the park with my grandmother. Or finding four leaf clovers with my mom. Or dancing with my dad when he played the music too loudly and we couldn't sleep because everyone else was still awake.
Just being there as a mother, just being present is enough. You don't have to outperform the other mothers, or measure up to the Pinterest boards of professional party planners, florists, and decorators. Just be there and make the effort, listen to your children and love them, lead them, and let them lead their own lives, and that's enough to succeed as a mom.
As for the other part? I think it's important to maintain a life separate from your kids. My husband and I had a discussion about this the other night. He worried that as Baby Boy's birth approaches that I've slipped into this identity of being a good wife and mother while neglecting myself. That I've been so focused on getting the house ready for a baby and filling the role of the dutiful housewife, that I've been forgetting the things that made me, me.
He's right. I've been so excited and nervous about the impending arrival of my little one, that I've failed to keep up with my writing, to follow through on my own passions, and to be the driven woman that he fell in love with.
It's understandable. Having a baby is a huge life change, and it's okay to be focused on that for a time. And once Baby Boy arrives, I'll be hard-pressed to find time for myself for a while as I adjust to caring for him.
But after that, after I've adjusted, after I settle into this new role as mother, is it enough for me to just be "Mom"?
I don't think it is.
I want things for myself that don't involve my husband and don't involve my children. I have dreams that are just for me, and interests and passions that are wholly selfish. That's okay. That's actually a good thing. I think it's important to have my own strong identity and to follow my dreams. It doesn't mean it's okay to forget about my husband and child while I pursue them, but it is okay to find a balance between myself and everyone else.
So if dinner is frozen pizza some nights because I was too busy finishing up a chapter or editing a short story, that's okay. If I fail to fold the laundry or leave a pile of dirty dishes in the sink or forget to vacuum for a month because I was caught up in doing my own thing, it doesn't make me a failure as a wife or a mother. No one is going to judge me for any of that, and I don't need to beat myself up or feel guilty for it either.
I may be about to become a mother, but that doesn't mean I need to give up on me. I'm enough as I am, and I can find a balance between my roles as wife, mother, and writer. I don't have to be perfect at any of them, so long as I take each of those roles seriously. It's enough to be me, and as long as I am committed to being there, being available, and loving my family, I've succeeded. Being true to myself and to my own dreams is just as as important as being a mother.
