Over the past several days, a theme has come up again and again: the idea of being enough. Mothers (and fathers, too) are forced to deal with the idea of having it all, being the best possible mom and still leading a fulfilling personal life either through a career or personal achievements. Many feel the pressure to always be on the top of their game, delivering Pinterest-worthy birthday parties and holiday celebrations, while maintaining immaculate, well-organized homes, preparing magazine-ready meals, and attending to every individual moment of their children's lives. At the same time, they shouldn't give up on their own dreams, so they should excel at their jobs (but only while their kids are in school), and find personal fulfillment away from their families.
Sounds intimidating.
Then I came across a few articles. The first is a satirical blog post from a 1970s mother. This woman does her own thing throughout the day and lets her kids fend for themselves for the most part. She feeds them and makes sure they aren't killing each other or themselves, but for the most part, she lets them do their own thing while she does hers. While we can laugh at the obviously harmful things she inflicts on her kids (secondhand smoke, an 11-year-old babysitter, Tang), the point remains that just a few generations ago, parenting was perhaps not quite so demanding as it is today. No one expected the mother to attend to every need and provide educational entertainment every minute of every day. Kids weren't scheduled to within an inch of their lives so that they could be competitive in the future, and parents didn't have to schedule their every waking moment around improving their children's lives.
The second article was about the fact that in the end, just being a mom is enough. At the end of the day, parenting is not about how much money you spent entertaining your children. It's not about huge outings to Disneyworld or extravagant holiday celebrations or any of the big gestures. It's about being there in the in-between moments. It's dinners together with the family, or card games in the evenings, or baking cookies together or car trips to visit family.
I know, growing up, it was the little moments that really stood out for me. I remember my mom painting my sister's and my toe nails while watching The Cosby Show before bed. Or my dad washing our hair and pretending he used to be a stylist for Madonna. Or walks to the park with my grandmother. Or finding four leaf clovers with my mom. Or dancing with my dad when he played the music too loudly and we couldn't sleep because everyone else was still awake.
Just being there as a mother, just being present is enough. You don't have to outperform the other mothers, or measure up to the Pinterest boards of professional party planners, florists, and decorators. Just be there and make the effort, listen to your children and love them, lead them, and let them lead their own lives, and that's enough to succeed as a mom.
As for the other part? I think it's important to maintain a life separate from your kids. My husband and I had a discussion about this the other night. He worried that as Baby Boy's birth approaches that I've slipped into this identity of being a good wife and mother while neglecting myself. That I've been so focused on getting the house ready for a baby and filling the role of the dutiful housewife, that I've been forgetting the things that made me, me.
He's right. I've been so excited and nervous about the impending arrival of my little one, that I've failed to keep up with my writing, to follow through on my own passions, and to be the driven woman that he fell in love with.
It's understandable. Having a baby is a huge life change, and it's okay to be focused on that for a time. And once Baby Boy arrives, I'll be hard-pressed to find time for myself for a while as I adjust to caring for him.
But after that, after I've adjusted, after I settle into this new role as mother, is it enough for me to just be "Mom"?
I don't think it is.
I want things for myself that don't involve my husband and don't involve my children. I have dreams that are just for me, and interests and passions that are wholly selfish. That's okay. That's actually a good thing. I think it's important to have my own strong identity and to follow my dreams. It doesn't mean it's okay to forget about my husband and child while I pursue them, but it is okay to find a balance between myself and everyone else.
So if dinner is frozen pizza some nights because I was too busy finishing up a chapter or editing a short story, that's okay. If I fail to fold the laundry or leave a pile of dirty dishes in the sink or forget to vacuum for a month because I was caught up in doing my own thing, it doesn't make me a failure as a wife or a mother. No one is going to judge me for any of that, and I don't need to beat myself up or feel guilty for it either.
I may be about to become a mother, but that doesn't mean I need to give up on me. I'm enough as I am, and I can find a balance between my roles as wife, mother, and writer. I don't have to be perfect at any of them, so long as I take each of those roles seriously. It's enough to be me, and as long as I am committed to being there, being available, and loving my family, I've succeeded. Being true to myself and to my own dreams is just as as important as being a mother.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Defending Life Choices
A friend of mine recently complained about how many people have been questioning her decision not to get married or have kids. She says that she is constantly having to defend herself and her life against those that naturally assume that when you get to a certain age that you are to settle down, pair up, reproduce, and stagnate. She says she has gotten pressure from her friends, from her family, and even from strangers about how it's obviously time to take those next steps and start having kids
I have had just the opposite problem. Now in my third trimester, I am obviously pregnant. Gone is the little bump that only I can see, and instead there is the massive soccer-ball sized mound that attests to my current position on procreation.
And I'm having to constantly defend my decision to have kids.
It may be a testament to where we both are in our lives and the people we surround ourselves with, but many of my friends cannot fathom why I would subject my body, finances, and future to the whims of a small person who will inevitably become the center of my world. As many arguments as my friend has faced about why it's only natural to have children, I have had to face down the logical and reasonable arguments about why it is utterly insane to bring any one new into this world.
Luckily, I haven't had to defend my choice to my family, as they are more than supportive and excited, and frankly, most strangers seem to derive a great deal of excitement and joy in asking whether it's my first, boy or girl, and how soon I'm due. But it has been a surprise to find that for many of the people in my life, the idea of having a child is not only crazy, but irresponsible and selfish.
It's interesting to compare the arguments my friend and I have faced. The arguments for having children have mostly revolved around the idea that it's "natural," "it's what people do at [her] age." "it's what the woman's body is made for," "nothing else will give [her] more purpose or joy," and "it's [her] responsibility to her family and to her future." Mine on the other hand have been more logical, revolving around the incredible responsibility, the amount of sacrifice, and the contribution to the overpopulation of the planet (yes, really).
The thing is, the arguments against having a child are harder to fight against than the reasons to actually go forward with it. Why do people have children when they will have to give up sleeping in, to give up the freedom to do what you want when you want, to give up the time to devote to yourself and your own personal dreams and instead focus on someone you will, of course love, but might not even like that much? Why put your body through the pain of labor, the indignity of losing your figure, the months and months without regular wine or cocktails? Why would you give up hundreds of thousands of dollars, setting yourself up for debt and giving up the freedom that comes with an unfettered cash flow? Even if you really want children, why not adopt? Why contribute to the overpopulation of the planet by insisting on having your own kid?
I don't think the reasons to have a child of your own are entirely logical, but I also don't think they have to be. Many people will of course fall into the idea of parenthood because of the very reasons my friend has had to defend against: it's natural, it's traditional, it's biological, and it's common assume that it is one of the purposes of human life. There are very strong religious arguments in favor of procreation, but there are also political, intellectual, and ethical reasons to have kids.
But I don't know that any of those played a crucial part in motivating me or my husband into it. (To be fair, my husband's reasons are probably very different from mine, and, I imagine, the fact that I strongly wanted children was one of his prime motivators.) For me, family has always been an important part of my life. The relationships I have with my parents and my sisters as well as my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousin, have all been strong influences in my life. Making them proud, living up to their hopes, and just being a part of a family have been important to me, even when I was off pursuing my own interests and dreams. There's never been a question that I wanted to spend my life near them and be a part of this family for the rest of my days. My family is part of how I define myself, and I'm proud of that fact.
Having children and continuing that family with my husband is one of my main goals in life. My husband is the most important person in my life, and one the best ways I think I can show my love for him is to build a family with him. To create a new family unit that is as defining and pivotal as my extended family. To build something new and wonderful and important that is truly a reflection of us and our love for each other. That to me is a worthy goal, and pursuing that will likely be the most important thing I do with my life.
My life is wonderful as it is, and I imagine I could be happy without children. I could continue writing, enjoying time with my incredible friends, building a financially secure future with my husband, and doing our own things until we can't anymore. But I think I would regret not pursuing something a little bigger, a little better. I think children can make my life fuller, allow me to love so much more, to be a part of something so much greater than myself. Sure there's the biological urge, and the idea that it is what you do when you're happily married and moving into middle age. For me, though, having this baby is about building something bigger for me and my husband. We're building a family. And that is reason enough.
I have had just the opposite problem. Now in my third trimester, I am obviously pregnant. Gone is the little bump that only I can see, and instead there is the massive soccer-ball sized mound that attests to my current position on procreation.
And I'm having to constantly defend my decision to have kids.
It may be a testament to where we both are in our lives and the people we surround ourselves with, but many of my friends cannot fathom why I would subject my body, finances, and future to the whims of a small person who will inevitably become the center of my world. As many arguments as my friend has faced about why it's only natural to have children, I have had to face down the logical and reasonable arguments about why it is utterly insane to bring any one new into this world.
Luckily, I haven't had to defend my choice to my family, as they are more than supportive and excited, and frankly, most strangers seem to derive a great deal of excitement and joy in asking whether it's my first, boy or girl, and how soon I'm due. But it has been a surprise to find that for many of the people in my life, the idea of having a child is not only crazy, but irresponsible and selfish.
It's interesting to compare the arguments my friend and I have faced. The arguments for having children have mostly revolved around the idea that it's "natural," "it's what people do at [her] age." "it's what the woman's body is made for," "nothing else will give [her] more purpose or joy," and "it's [her] responsibility to her family and to her future." Mine on the other hand have been more logical, revolving around the incredible responsibility, the amount of sacrifice, and the contribution to the overpopulation of the planet (yes, really).
The thing is, the arguments against having a child are harder to fight against than the reasons to actually go forward with it. Why do people have children when they will have to give up sleeping in, to give up the freedom to do what you want when you want, to give up the time to devote to yourself and your own personal dreams and instead focus on someone you will, of course love, but might not even like that much? Why put your body through the pain of labor, the indignity of losing your figure, the months and months without regular wine or cocktails? Why would you give up hundreds of thousands of dollars, setting yourself up for debt and giving up the freedom that comes with an unfettered cash flow? Even if you really want children, why not adopt? Why contribute to the overpopulation of the planet by insisting on having your own kid?
I don't think the reasons to have a child of your own are entirely logical, but I also don't think they have to be. Many people will of course fall into the idea of parenthood because of the very reasons my friend has had to defend against: it's natural, it's traditional, it's biological, and it's common assume that it is one of the purposes of human life. There are very strong religious arguments in favor of procreation, but there are also political, intellectual, and ethical reasons to have kids.
But I don't know that any of those played a crucial part in motivating me or my husband into it. (To be fair, my husband's reasons are probably very different from mine, and, I imagine, the fact that I strongly wanted children was one of his prime motivators.) For me, family has always been an important part of my life. The relationships I have with my parents and my sisters as well as my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousin, have all been strong influences in my life. Making them proud, living up to their hopes, and just being a part of a family have been important to me, even when I was off pursuing my own interests and dreams. There's never been a question that I wanted to spend my life near them and be a part of this family for the rest of my days. My family is part of how I define myself, and I'm proud of that fact.
Having children and continuing that family with my husband is one of my main goals in life. My husband is the most important person in my life, and one the best ways I think I can show my love for him is to build a family with him. To create a new family unit that is as defining and pivotal as my extended family. To build something new and wonderful and important that is truly a reflection of us and our love for each other. That to me is a worthy goal, and pursuing that will likely be the most important thing I do with my life.
My life is wonderful as it is, and I imagine I could be happy without children. I could continue writing, enjoying time with my incredible friends, building a financially secure future with my husband, and doing our own things until we can't anymore. But I think I would regret not pursuing something a little bigger, a little better. I think children can make my life fuller, allow me to love so much more, to be a part of something so much greater than myself. Sure there's the biological urge, and the idea that it is what you do when you're happily married and moving into middle age. For me, though, having this baby is about building something bigger for me and my husband. We're building a family. And that is reason enough.
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