Pregnancy Positive

I found out I was pregnant while on vacation with my family and close friends. To be honest, when I first saw the results of the test, I truly didn’t know what to make of it. Sometimes, I guess, I can be a bit thick.

You see, when they show positive pregnancy tests in the movies, the positive line is always clear and unquestionable. That positive is bright blue, and you are definitely pregnant.

That’s not the way it worked for me. I followed the directions on the test and sat there waiting for the full two minutes waiting for the results. The control line appeared, clear as day. Then, crossing that line was a very faint, almost imperceptible second line. I squinted, angled it, turned on the light, held it up to the window, angled it another way, and squinted some more. Was it positive? Was I pregnant?

Honestly, I had no clue. I thought the results would be clearer, but instead I was left with this ambiguous, faint line that told me nothing.

Shaking all over, I took the stick to my friend who had just had her third child, thinking, surely she would know what the test meant. She squinted, angled the text, held it up to the light and declared she didn’t know either. So I had to ask more people. By the time we had four of us peering over this stick, my friend who had been trying to conceive for the past several years took an authoritative look: “If you can see anything, it’s a positive test. It’s early, but you’re definitely pregnant.”

I started shaking harder. “Are you sure?”

She was.

Well that turned my world upside down.

I mean, I was trying for this exact result and had been for most of the past year. But actually seeing the positive test made it real for me. Pregnant.

Was I excited? Of course. Somewhere under the overwhelming terror, I was very excited. But my first thought was “I can’t do this. I can’t be a mom. I’m not ready.”

This was the sort of thing that happened to other people. Other people got pregnant. Other people had kids. Other people had their lives flipped upside down.

How could there possibly be a person growing inside me?

So while I acknowledged that the test was positive and began to act like it, I’m not sure I really believed it. I quit drinking, avoided caffeine, started taking prenatal vitamins and scheduled a doctor’s appointment for eight weeks, but I didn’t believe it.

When the fatigue set in and the morning sickness started, I still didn’t believe it. I was experiencing nausea 40% of the time I was awake for two straight weeks and still couldn’t convince myself that this was real. As my friends noticed I had quit drinking and wouldn’t get into the hot tub and was disappearing into the bathroom at random times, I conceded that I might be pregnant. But I didn’t believe it.

It wasn’t until I had my first doctor’s appointment and heard the heartbeat inside of me that it became real.

I guess I can be a bit thick sometimes.

Why Discovery Parenting?

There are two major approaches to the process of writing a novel. One involves developing multiple outlines, road maps, and other organizational techniques before you ever sit down to write a single word of the novel. The other approach soundly eschews such techniques. The writer sits down at the keyboard or notebook and starts writing with little more than an idea, a handful of characters, and a whole lot of potential.

This second approach is called discovery writing. The writer flies by the seat of her pants, letting the story evolve naturally. She listens to the characters as they're written, allowing them to make their own choices in an honest and organic way. She doesn't try to force them into a formula or force them to follow her idea of how the story should go. She discovers the story as she writes, and she is often delighted by the unexpected directions her characters take her.

So how does this apply to a blog on parenting?

Well, so far, it's solely aspirational. I don't have kids yet. I'm only a few months pregnant, and I'm still getting used to the idea of being a mom by the next mother's day. However, I do still have some ideas of what kind of mom I want to be. Hence Discovery Parenting.

I want to enjoy the process of parenting by the seat of my pants. I want to discover who my children are as they discover who they are. I don't want to force some preconceived notions about who they should be or who society thinks they should be. I don't want to go into this with an outline of accomplishments they have to achieve so they can reach the end goal I have in mind. I want them to discover that for themselves, and I want to be there for the journey.

Now, of course, I have some ideas of how to educate my children and raise them to be happy, productive members of society. These notions, though, are just notions. There's plenty of room for them to change if they don't work in the organic process of parenting. For instance, I think I want to home school so my children get the best education possible and aren't held to a rapidly diminishing public education. However, I may not be patient enough to handle my children all day every day. I like to think I would be able to mentor and educate them in a positive way, but if it turns out I'm no good at it, I'm more than willing to consider other options.

This is a discovery process. So I'm going to write about it, from these early moments as I'm adjusting to the idea of giving birth in seven months to actually raising my first child. There will be plenty of mistakes, lots of fears, and maybe some triumphs. At the very least, I'll have a record of it all.