Pregnancy Positive

I found out I was pregnant while on vacation with my family and close friends. To be honest, when I first saw the results of the test, I truly didn’t know what to make of it. Sometimes, I guess, I can be a bit thick.

You see, when they show positive pregnancy tests in the movies, the positive line is always clear and unquestionable. That positive is bright blue, and you are definitely pregnant.

That’s not the way it worked for me. I followed the directions on the test and sat there waiting for the full two minutes waiting for the results. The control line appeared, clear as day. Then, crossing that line was a very faint, almost imperceptible second line. I squinted, angled it, turned on the light, held it up to the window, angled it another way, and squinted some more. Was it positive? Was I pregnant?

Honestly, I had no clue. I thought the results would be clearer, but instead I was left with this ambiguous, faint line that told me nothing.

Shaking all over, I took the stick to my friend who had just had her third child, thinking, surely she would know what the test meant. She squinted, angled the text, held it up to the light and declared she didn’t know either. So I had to ask more people. By the time we had four of us peering over this stick, my friend who had been trying to conceive for the past several years took an authoritative look: “If you can see anything, it’s a positive test. It’s early, but you’re definitely pregnant.”

I started shaking harder. “Are you sure?”

She was.

Well that turned my world upside down.

I mean, I was trying for this exact result and had been for most of the past year. But actually seeing the positive test made it real for me. Pregnant.

Was I excited? Of course. Somewhere under the overwhelming terror, I was very excited. But my first thought was “I can’t do this. I can’t be a mom. I’m not ready.”

This was the sort of thing that happened to other people. Other people got pregnant. Other people had kids. Other people had their lives flipped upside down.

How could there possibly be a person growing inside me?

So while I acknowledged that the test was positive and began to act like it, I’m not sure I really believed it. I quit drinking, avoided caffeine, started taking prenatal vitamins and scheduled a doctor’s appointment for eight weeks, but I didn’t believe it.

When the fatigue set in and the morning sickness started, I still didn’t believe it. I was experiencing nausea 40% of the time I was awake for two straight weeks and still couldn’t convince myself that this was real. As my friends noticed I had quit drinking and wouldn’t get into the hot tub and was disappearing into the bathroom at random times, I conceded that I might be pregnant. But I didn’t believe it.

It wasn’t until I had my first doctor’s appointment and heard the heartbeat inside of me that it became real.

I guess I can be a bit thick sometimes.