The Bump

No one else can tell yet, and frankly, it's hard to see anything in the mirror, but I'm actually starting to get a bump. I can feel it just beneath the skin. Instead of the soft pudge I used to get when I gained a little weight or the bloat I've been feeling for weeks, this feels different. It's tauter, more solid.

It's so weird to feel my body changing like this. I'm finally starting to keep down food on a regular basis and actually getting hungry (Ok, I'm starving all the time!). I'm also starting to get a little more energy than I had in my first few weeks. At first these positive changes actually worried me. With the negative symptoms, I had something I could hold on to: there's clearly a baby in there making me feel so awful and refusing to let me even smell bourbon.

Now that I have days where I feel good, I start thinking that something awful has happened and I'm not pregnant anymore. I know that's strange, but this whole thing is still so new. I'm adjusting to what my new normal is, and any change has me thinking the worst.

Then, a few days ago, I had a little stomach ache and put my hand over my belly as if to comfort it. That's when I noticed. It felt different. It didn't feel like my stomach. The shape had changed slightly, the density of it was different. I tried sucking in, but even though I could still make my stomach look fairly uniform, I could still feel that tiny bump.

I'm not going to lie, I teared up a bit at that. Every day there's just another reminder. This is really happening. My life is changed. I'm going to be a mom. I just hope I'm a good one.

Morning Sickness and Nutrition

Committing to writing in the past week has been incredibly difficult, thanks to the glories of pregnancy symptoms. Specifically, morning sickness has kicked my butt seven ways from Sunday.

When they named it morning sickness, it was clearly just a vicious attempt to mislead women about the duration of the symptom. You see, it doesn't just happen in the morning. It first rears its evil head in the morning, but that's just because you can ignore it when you're asleep.

By the time you crawl out of bed, your stomach is in revolt. The idea of food is revolting, and yet, you're starving for just about anything. I've had days where I literally eat nothing but saltine crackers and sip ginger ale, and even that is touch and go. Certain smells will send me running for the bathroom, and it's all I can do to force myself to eat foods that are nutritious and inoffensive.

I've tried to describe it to my friends who have never been pregnant and likely never will be. Imagine your worst hangover. Take away the headache and the cotton mouth but add a strong sensitivity to smells and a weird metallic taste in your mouth. Now spread that out over three weeks. That is morning sickness.

Even as you're trying to choke down any sort of food to get through the day, everything you read about pregnancy emphasizes how crucial these early days are for development of your little one. You have to get the right amount of protein, iron, calcium, vitamin C, folic acid, fiber, and just plain calories, and don't you dare risk dehydration, or it all goes to hell. So you're swallowing horse pills full of nutritional supplements, hoping that does the trick, but even that is best taken with food, lest it upset your stomach.

It's enough to drive you mad.

Thankfully, I have managed to find some workarounds that work for me, and I'm reading all the literature to find new ways to trick my body into keeping food down. Still, the only solution is to wait this part of the pregnancy out and hope the morning sickness subsides by next month.

If you're having trouble with morning sickness, here are a few easy snacks that work for me. Yes, they are a lot of small pseudo meals, and you will feel like all you're doing is eating or getting ready for your next meal, but it really is important to get those nutrients and hold yourself together.

Recommended food:

• Frozen grapes - recommended by a friend of mine who also suffered from morning sickness early on. They feel like a treat while giving you something to keep in your stomach and keep your blood sugar up. It's also much easier to eat slowly if they're frozen, giving your stomach time to adjust to food.
• All-fruit popsicles - In the same vein as frozen grapes, popsicles with chunks of fruit can get you a lot of nutrients in a way that helps soothe your stomach. Stay away from the popsicles that are little more than sugar and flavored water. You get nothing out of them, and some of the dyes may irritate your stomach lining. Stick with organic or 100% fruit options for now.
• Homemade guacamole on whole wheat crackers or toast - For some healthy fats and a good dose of vitamins, smash up some ripe avocado with chunky salsa and slather it on whole wheat crackers or toast. The carbs will fill you up while you get a good share of vitamins you need.
• String cheese - I bought some low-fat mozzarella string cheese, and some days that's the only way I get calcium in my body. The taste is bland enough that it won't upset your stomach, and the process of eating it allows you to take small amounts at a nice slow rate.
• Greek yogurt with fruit - Sometimes it's a bit too much for me, as Greek yogurt is much thicker and heavily fortified than regular yogurt, but adding in a bit of honey and extra fruit helps me get the calcium and protein I often desperately need.
• Cheese toast - This is a comfort food for me. Cheddar cheese on whole wheat bread, toasted until the cheese is nice and melted. Pair it with tomato soup if you're feeling adventurous for a well-balanced lunch.
• Scrambled eggs - Eggs are a serious super food, and if you scramble them up with a little cheese, or peppers and onions, you can get a hefty dose of energy first thing in the morning. Sautee the peppers and onions first to soften them up, and add your beaten eggs and cheese after a few minutes. You can even make an omelette if you're feeling adventurous, but sometimes the firmer texture of omelettes didn't agree with me, while softer scrambled eggs almost always did.

The trick is to find foods you like that you can actually eat. If you have a craving for cereal and that's all you seem to be able to eat, go for out. But try adding some blueberries or banana on top to sneak in some nutrition. If you're dying for a turkey sandwich, use oven roasted turkey instead of the over-processed deli meats, and add a slice of cheese, some lettuce and tomato to it. If all you can eat is crackers and ginger ale, well, honey, I've been there. You eat what you can, and I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Pregnancy Positive

I found out I was pregnant while on vacation with my family and close friends. To be honest, when I first saw the results of the test, I truly didn’t know what to make of it. Sometimes, I guess, I can be a bit thick.

You see, when they show positive pregnancy tests in the movies, the positive line is always clear and unquestionable. That positive is bright blue, and you are definitely pregnant.

That’s not the way it worked for me. I followed the directions on the test and sat there waiting for the full two minutes waiting for the results. The control line appeared, clear as day. Then, crossing that line was a very faint, almost imperceptible second line. I squinted, angled it, turned on the light, held it up to the window, angled it another way, and squinted some more. Was it positive? Was I pregnant?

Honestly, I had no clue. I thought the results would be clearer, but instead I was left with this ambiguous, faint line that told me nothing.

Shaking all over, I took the stick to my friend who had just had her third child, thinking, surely she would know what the test meant. She squinted, angled the text, held it up to the light and declared she didn’t know either. So I had to ask more people. By the time we had four of us peering over this stick, my friend who had been trying to conceive for the past several years took an authoritative look: “If you can see anything, it’s a positive test. It’s early, but you’re definitely pregnant.”

I started shaking harder. “Are you sure?”

She was.

Well that turned my world upside down.

I mean, I was trying for this exact result and had been for most of the past year. But actually seeing the positive test made it real for me. Pregnant.

Was I excited? Of course. Somewhere under the overwhelming terror, I was very excited. But my first thought was “I can’t do this. I can’t be a mom. I’m not ready.”

This was the sort of thing that happened to other people. Other people got pregnant. Other people had kids. Other people had their lives flipped upside down.

How could there possibly be a person growing inside me?

So while I acknowledged that the test was positive and began to act like it, I’m not sure I really believed it. I quit drinking, avoided caffeine, started taking prenatal vitamins and scheduled a doctor’s appointment for eight weeks, but I didn’t believe it.

When the fatigue set in and the morning sickness started, I still didn’t believe it. I was experiencing nausea 40% of the time I was awake for two straight weeks and still couldn’t convince myself that this was real. As my friends noticed I had quit drinking and wouldn’t get into the hot tub and was disappearing into the bathroom at random times, I conceded that I might be pregnant. But I didn’t believe it.

It wasn’t until I had my first doctor’s appointment and heard the heartbeat inside of me that it became real.

I guess I can be a bit thick sometimes.

Why Discovery Parenting?

There are two major approaches to the process of writing a novel. One involves developing multiple outlines, road maps, and other organizational techniques before you ever sit down to write a single word of the novel. The other approach soundly eschews such techniques. The writer sits down at the keyboard or notebook and starts writing with little more than an idea, a handful of characters, and a whole lot of potential.

This second approach is called discovery writing. The writer flies by the seat of her pants, letting the story evolve naturally. She listens to the characters as they're written, allowing them to make their own choices in an honest and organic way. She doesn't try to force them into a formula or force them to follow her idea of how the story should go. She discovers the story as she writes, and she is often delighted by the unexpected directions her characters take her.

So how does this apply to a blog on parenting?

Well, so far, it's solely aspirational. I don't have kids yet. I'm only a few months pregnant, and I'm still getting used to the idea of being a mom by the next mother's day. However, I do still have some ideas of what kind of mom I want to be. Hence Discovery Parenting.

I want to enjoy the process of parenting by the seat of my pants. I want to discover who my children are as they discover who they are. I don't want to force some preconceived notions about who they should be or who society thinks they should be. I don't want to go into this with an outline of accomplishments they have to achieve so they can reach the end goal I have in mind. I want them to discover that for themselves, and I want to be there for the journey.

Now, of course, I have some ideas of how to educate my children and raise them to be happy, productive members of society. These notions, though, are just notions. There's plenty of room for them to change if they don't work in the organic process of parenting. For instance, I think I want to home school so my children get the best education possible and aren't held to a rapidly diminishing public education. However, I may not be patient enough to handle my children all day every day. I like to think I would be able to mentor and educate them in a positive way, but if it turns out I'm no good at it, I'm more than willing to consider other options.

This is a discovery process. So I'm going to write about it, from these early moments as I'm adjusting to the idea of giving birth in seven months to actually raising my first child. There will be plenty of mistakes, lots of fears, and maybe some triumphs. At the very least, I'll have a record of it all.